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The Parent Trap – Part I [read part II]
By: Diana Mariani, LCSW, Paul Willett, PhD. & Jody Seip, LCSW

Every parent's, dream for their child most often appears to include such things as, happiness, success in finances and relationships, motivation and a having a positive outlook on life. As we gaze upon our newborns we find these goals running through our minds and we become excited and eager to begin our task of parenting. Once the months of infancy have passed many of us begin to find ourselves introducing our child to the world via stroller rides through the mall, enrollment in community activities like aqua babes, joining toddler playgroups and, of course, spending long hours at the local parks. As they get older there are multitudes of lessons available to identify and further develop the talents of our near perfect offspring. We are feeling confident in our efforts to ensure their happiness, success and motivation. Then, sometimes as quickly as overnight our child begins to demonstrate behaviors with a message that says, “hey, mom and dad, I don’t agree with how you are managing my life and I’m going to do things my way from now on”. When this happens, we discover that parenting just became a whole lot more confusing and difficult. We might find ourselves wanting to “pull our hair out” or simply “hide under the covers”. Take heart though and don’t panic as this is a normal part of growing. It is a rare family that doesn’t experience this at some point. This is a good time to put our parental heads together to evaluate the parenting style we have been using and maybe even make some changes.

In order to develop a greater sense of how we are going to parent it helps to be aware of our parenting style.

Although there are many different parenting styles to choose from research by developmental psychologists since the 1920’s have identified two basic styles which all others fall some where in between. The two styles are authoritative and authoritarian.

• Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. They develop and supervise clear age appropriate standards for their child’s conduct. The parent is assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than insulting and demeaning. They expect their children to be cooperative and socially accountable.

• Authoritarian parents are both demanding and directive but not responsive. They expect their children to obey their orders without explanation. These parents provide well ordered and structured environments with clear rules. Their disciplinary methods may frequently belittle and demean their children.

Let’s take a look at a common difficulty often experienced early on in our parenting lives. Carrie and Ben parents of 3 year old Marsha found themselves becoming increasingly snappy and short with each other due to routinely disrupted sleep as Marsha would not stay sleeping in her own room. Marsha would fall asleep fine after a lengthy bedtime ritual was preformed which included story time, singing, and a massage. After about 2 hours she would wake up and demand to either sleep with her parents or have one of them share her single bed with her. Crying, screaming, throwing of things and door pounding would prevail if she did not get her way. After prolonged efforts to quiet her with bribes and threats Carrie and Ben would eventually give in. They were at their wits end and felt like parental failures as they saw no end in sight. They decided something had to change and it’s at this point they sought out professional help in the form of a child therapist. Fortunately, for this family, after 2weeks of implementing a new parenting approach everyone was sleeping again and Carrie and Ben found themselves smiling and happy with each other and their roles as parents.

Just when most parents finally begin to feel confident in their ability to parent their young child, along comes adolescence and a whole new set of challenges. Despite what you may have heard regarding adolescence, it’s not as bad as you may think. Next month, we will discuss some of the unique parenting challenges of the pre-teen and teen years. No doubt the job of parenting is one of the hardest jobs we will ever take on and we need each other to get through it. Having a reliable, reality based support system available is essential to successful parenting. Our support is all around us in the form of family, friends, church and accredited child/family therapists. Our “port in the storm” is closer than we think and we are not alone so hang in there and ENJOY.

For more information about seeking a professional child/family therapist you may call Psychology Specialists at 452-9001 or visit the web site at www.psychologyspecialists.com.