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THE SANDWICH GENERATION
JODY SEIP, LCSW
PSYCHOLOGY SPECIALISTS

I love to read bumper stickers. And today I saw one that made me smile, and then think.

“May I live long enough to drive my kids crazy.”

Several times a month I see patients in my office who are “being driven crazy”. They are a part of 25% of the American population living in the sandwich generation-dealing with both children and aging parents. Patients complain of symptoms of depression, stress, anxiety, marital problems, and lack of information. They are always relieved to find out that they are not alone and that there is help available.

Today’s culture is different than that of our parents. Families are scattered all over the country, children have numerous activities, and many of the baby boomers work full time jobs longer. Generally, we lack communication with our families, have little time for self care, and hope that somehow we won’t have to face difficult questions regarding aging and/or ill parents. Eventually, these are things that have to be considered by all of us.

COMMUNICATION

How do we communicate with our parents about their finances, health care preferences and end of life issues. Many of our parents are from the generation that believes that finances are private and have not considered what they might do if they need additional help at home or need nursing home care. Communication is much easier before a crisis happens. Express to your parents that you respect their privacy concerning finances and that you realize the difficulty in making health care decisions. Let them know what you need in the event you are responsible for making those decisions. Ask them where important paperwork is located. If they do not feel comfortable talking with you perhaps you could suggest they talk with a pastor or an attorney. Assure them that you want their wishes to be carried out and that you want to talk with them about details so that this can happen. In addition to talking with your parents, talk with your siblings. Very often, one child feels that all of the responsibility falls on him . Early communication can help to avoid conflicts and resentment later on. This is a family effort.

EDUCATION

Educate yourself now about the facilities and services available to the elderly and to their families. All services are not equal in quality or cost. Homecare services vary and depend on assets. Nursing homes vary in care and personality. Spend time touring nursing homes and retirement centers with your parents if possible. Talk with friends who have used services. Educate yourself now about Medicare and Medicaid. There are a number of myths about what Medicare will and will not pay for. Central Illinois is rich in services and agencies to help educate and direct us to appropriate care givers. Advance directives can be obtained from attorneys, hospitals and even the internet. PATH, the East Central Illinois Area Agency on Aging, the YWCA Senior Services, and Community Care can all provide referrals to knowledgeable individuals . They are familiar with current regulations concerning advanced directives, assets and what services your parent may qualify for. Not only are there services for the elderly who need additional care, but there are numerous services to provide help with utilities, tax preparation, groceries, medications and transportation. It is important to provide the best quality of life for our parents. It is also important to find services that will allow us to have time to spend with our children and spouses. It is not important that we do it all ourselves.

CARE FOR YOURSELF

Life is stressful. Even in the best of circumstances. When we find ourselves squashed in the middle of the sandwich, life can become overwhelming. It is okay to ask for help. We can find help within our churches, local support groups for caregivers, and with mental health professionals who understand family dynamics and aging issues. If you find that you are indeed burning the candle at both ends, depressed, anxious, feeling guilty or resentful seek out professional guidance. There is no reward in carrying the burden of being parent, spouse and adult child alone. With the support of another person, you may find that decisions can be sorted out, communication can be made, and the quality of life you seek can be had. Change is all we can depend on. It comes to all of us. And yes, I have had these conversations with my children. They know where the important papers are to be found. I have told them even if I disagree later, that should I need a nursing home, place me. I have even chosen the nursing home. But even as a therapist, communication is not perfect and I have demands. I have told them that I will not play Bingo, I want seafood and do not let me have chin hairs. So be it.